Way2hungry

I’m blogging tonight for help. My thighs have somehow grown together. I was never a shorts person, more a skirt or dress girl until it happened- my upper thighs have decided to bond together. I don’t know, maybe I’m turning into a mermaid??? It’s very odd, sometimes painfull and highly embarassing. I just don’t get. If you have any advice I’ll take it. I have no problem excercising- you tell me to run 10 miles I’ll do it,  do squats until my knees give out- fine. I’m just in need of some separation.

Ok, I’ must have selective reading or maybe just luck to not come across the hurtful messages/blogs being posted. I’m so thankful for all the strong willed, inspiring, and motivating people on this site who make me want to log in and read more each day. You all give me strenghth when I’m feeling down to keep trying. Your success shows me in time anything can be accomplished but only through hard work.  There are no short cuts, no free passes to become thin and healthy over night- just the reality that this will be hard and that we all need shoulders to lean on.  Many of us are facing greater battles than just losing weight- whether it’s loss of love, family, friends, illness or any other mountain to climb- we can do it together- no one has to feel alone. Let’s appreciate what we have, who we are and keep moving towards a better tomoorrow. Good night.

Ok I’m not sure if this is lack of sleep talking- (worked both jobs tonight) or just pure insanity but I’m torn here. The dilema: if I stop going to the gym my weight goes down (=’s happiness that isn’t seen often.) If I work out 3-4 times per week the scale stays the same or goes up (=”s the thought of shouldn’t I be able to float with the bigger I get? ) I mean haven’t you ever caught a glimpse of yourself from the side and wondered where that extra chin or soft tricept came from? This week I’m just going to focus on my diet and see what happens. I have my ww mtg Thursday and I need to see a decrease since I went up considerably over the past two weeks. Ofcourse I’m too embarassed to show that in my weight tracker so theres my insecurity creaping up again. I hope to update you all Thursday with some good news. Take care everyone.

I’ve been trying to keep up with my cardio and weights but my leggs and feet are killing me! I don’t know if it’s the extra weight but everything hurts after working out. I bought new shoes thinking it was the lack of support but that just made a slight difference. I end up either not sleeping well because I’m hungry or because of the pain. Anyone else feeling to strain of this diet thing?  I also started taking liquid green tea caplets again as I know it’s healthy but don’t enjoy the taste- and it definately helps with the whole energy thing. I wish I could say the scale is going down but it still isn’t. sigh.

Ok, I’m trying to start the week off right- not eating everything in sight/working out, you know, just the usual- but there’s always that one thing- that mere stab in you chest one thing- that really throws you off. This is mine: WHY IS THERE PIZZA BEING SERVED AT THE GYM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it’s just wrong I tell you….wrong! I did my four miles on the treadmill and staggered past the long pizza filled table over flowing with heavenly goodness and made it to the door without a second glance just to leave feeling sick to my stomach. It wasn’t that I would have eaten any- after all, a little too much pizza is part of my need to workout- but to have to do it with the aroma learking throughout the gym was torture. I want to just shove my face in a jar of sauce but decided to blog and get the frustration out. For some reason the second Monday of the month is pizza night at my gym- oh wait- did I mention “bagel Tuesdays” what in the @#$%! So my membership is only $10.00 a month but I just think the whole thought of it is dumb. Now that my tirade is over, I’ve made October 25th the deadline for my mini goal weight. I know it’s silly but even as an adult I enjoy Halloween and ordered my costumes so I’m hoping to fit into them and look good- not scary.

: )

Today has been ok, no major snacking although I did wish my fat free pudding was  really a cheeseburger at lunch. I did an hour on the treadmill and some weights. I try to switch up the intensity of walking with running, honestly it just clears my head so the gym has always been like an escape for me. I have to say I didn’t realize how many teenagers have memberships, I mean shouldn’t you weigh atleast 100 pounds, really, what’s the criteria? I swear if some of these girls turned sideways they’d disappear. Maybe it’s a little jealousy or maybe it’s that I’m tired of waiting to use the thigh machines cause these skinny rods are sitting on them talking.

I don’t know why, but dieting consumes my thoughts. I think about food all the time. I never used to be this way, I guess the fear of my weight constantly increasing (no matter what I try) has really gotten to my soul. It’s sad really.  I’ve had people tell me my face was getting chunky, ask if I was expecting, and oh if I was gaining weight. I’m not sure why anyone feels the need to ask that question, I mean if you thought I did, why would you ask, obviously you see I did.

I think what bothers me the most is that the “bigger” I got, the less people saw of me. I mean I became invisible to some of the people in my life I thought cared about me. I think I’m done with my pitty party for tonight. Maybe day three will be better.  

Ok, I tried starting this whole site/my goals tomorrow but apparently it has to be done today. My goal is to lose 20lbs over the next few months through healthy eating and exercise. I have to admit working out is not an issue for me, I do enjoy it, however I enjoy eating even more. Every day I seem to say the same thing, I was bad today so I might as well enjoy eating what I can and be good tomorrow. Unfortunately that never happens. I seem to do well for hours at a time, not days. I recently joined Weight Watchers and realized I only go to the mtgs so I can go out to eat after. The purpose was to learn how to eat more healthy, make better decisions and really look at my portions. I never liked the feeling of being full, so while I won’t eat til my heart is content, it leaves me hungry ALL the time and left to graze on anything in the cabinets or fridge. I’m going to commit to trying a healthier eating plan today at 6pm as I’m snacking on cookie crisp while typing.